I was (tacitly- the doctor said he “could not diagnose an adult” but my neuropsych test showed the signs) diagnosed with adhd in 2021.

This happened shortly after I escaped from a fairly emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship with someone who claimed “their adhd” was making them treat me that way. Another person, a roomate, bullied me heavily until I had to move and also attributed this behavior to “adhd”. Both of these people implied that I was intolerant for telling them their behavior hurt me, and each of them generally made my life a confusing hell for the period of time that I knew them.

I don’t think these people were lying about being neurodivergent, but I don’t think neurodivergence was the real reason for their behavior, even if it contributed to certain misunderstandings.

But I am still feeling some really weird feelings about now knowing that I have adhd myself!! It makes sense, of course it does. But I’m having a hard time celebrating this part of myself now. I always knew and loved that side of my personality until I learned it was adhd. My brain feels absolutely shredded and confused and I can’t easily think about it without feeling upset. I have fears my own diagnosis means I will be more prone to hurt people. Intellectually, i know better, but internally I can’t seem to and I find myself avoiding and hiding and not thinking about my adhd, and just feeling a lot of shame.

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you cope with it? I know these people could have just as easily said “depression” or “brown hair” or “chemtrails” were their reason for mistreating me, but I still can’t manage to sort it out on the visceral /emotional level. I really like the adhd parts of myself, but I also feel kind of afraid of them and afraid to be seen as an abuser if I talk about them, since so many abusers seem to use that tactic.

  • RadioRat (he/they)@beehaw.org
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    17
    ·
    1 year ago

    Neurodivergence doesn’t absolve people of accountability for their actions. Everyone has their own constraints to work around. One either has to avoid getting in situations where they can’t do right by others or adapt circumstances/behaviors to avoid harm. As a person with ADHD, there’s nothing more grating than others saying “Oh you can’t expect me to take responsibility for harmful this thing I do because ADHD!”. Explanations are not excuses.

  • quicksand@lemm.ee
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    8
    ·
    1 year ago

    Those people were using ADHD as an excuse for their toxic behavior. While being neurodivergent causes some personality quirks and can make it difficult to get along with others, it’s no excuse for treating people poorly. The fact you’re considering the feelings of others is a good sign. You seem like a good, kind, considerate person. Continue to do that. If you find that you were rude to someone, or did/said something to hurt them, then simply offer them a sincere apology. You can bring up your neurodivergence, but you don’t have to. You don’t need an excuse or reason for an apology, sincerity is all that’s required.

    Keep on being considerate and living your best life. Happy healing, friend.