My codependency. I completely rely on others for my own validity. If people are busy/don’t want to hang, it really upsets me.
I know it burns out my closest friends. I talk to most of them daily and over analyze the fuck out of our friendship if they get busy/distracted.
I’m honestly lucky I still have the ones I do. I’m also starting my first therapy session on 31 Jan so I don’t lose the people I have in my life.
The fact you’re aware of that is huge! You’re on your way!
Bruh Lemmy is so fucking supportive and wholesome. Thank you!
I will admit tho, it’s taken me until my mid-thirties to hit this point, and there are many relationships from my past that I wish I could have saved. Can’t dwell there though, gotta save the ones I have now and be the best wife I can be for my husband (and the best me I can be for myself!)
I’m going with my inability to think about anything that isn’t currently in range of my senses.
That bill that needs paid, that doctors appointment, the fact that there’s half a gallon of gas in my car, NONE of it exists until I get an email, calendar alert, or I hop in the car and need to be somewhere in 5 minutes.
I have ability to ignore pain, stressful situation and/or things I don’t want , it has helped me immensely but also is a problem when I have to understand people’s nature , what type they are, it also does not help me control my emotions, when I am excited to meet some one, I will just talk truth to them.
I believe it’s kind of like autism, cause I know I should control myself but I really can’t it’s like I am on cliff and falling down but I can’t find the rock to hold onto , I just talk.
That there must be something fundamentally unlikable about me but I don’t know what it is and nobody seems to want to tell me so that I can change it.
I’m not one to default to “counselor!”, but I don’t know how else you get an honest opinion.
I don’t see how a counselor is going to give me an objective answer when they only know my perception of things. They don’t know how I interact with people in real life, no matter how self aware and honest I try to be.
Interacting with a counselor is interacting with a person in real life. That’s kinda the point.
no matter how self aware and honest I try to be
Unless you’re not actually doing that?
You’re free to interact with me, anyway you like. Hell, you can call me. I’ll be open and honest with my reactions, nothing to lose. For what it’s worth, I’m old, maybe I got some perspective for you. Don’t mean I’m wise! DM me though. Post responses keep getting lost. Maybe you can help me with that?
And keep working on being self-aware and honest. That never hurt anyone.
At very least I try to be to honest with myself, I’m sure that doesn’t always work because I’m human, but as far as I know I am pretty aware of my faults.
But the way I interact with a counselor is not how I interact with anyone else that I come across. The setting is very awkward and I am very bad at communicating how I feel or do things. It would be very inaccurate.
It’s worth trying. They can breakdown situations and tell you how it looks from an outside perspective be it something you did or something you said.
Without knowing much, if you’re closed off to this idea, maybe you’re closed off to the people you’re interacting with also?
I went to the local counselor last year and I ready don’t like her and do not trust her opinion. It’s not a counselor thing in general, but I genuinely don’t see how someone with such a limited perspective of my personality could tell me why I cant get people to be my friend or where I’m going wrong when interacting with people. Am I supposed to recall past social interactions so they can critique it based on how I remember it? That doesn’t make any sense to me.
You don’t have to stick with the same person. Ask for a consult and if you aren’t vibing with them just move on.
Social workers, counsellors, therapists are trained to talk through these things and understand your thought process. There are basic needs every human has, and you’d be surprised how they can help you with your own introspection.
It can be mock conversations or real ones, you can talk about how you would typically act or respond to people, and they will help you understand others possible perspectives.
There’s a lot a therapist can offer you.
Mental health services in my area are severely limited, unfortunately. We literally have a counselor and an emergency psychiatrist that you have to end up in the psych ward to see. I’d do something about my shortcomings if I had options that were not Better Help, trust me. It’s pretty shitty being aware of your problems and having no means of fixing them and I certainly wouldn’t choose this path.
Sorry to hear your options are so limited. That’s quite unfortunate (seems to be the case for too many people).
Are there any online services in your area? It’s not ideal but you could do virtual sessions?
My immediate problem is I have an extremely hard time asking for help, in any context. I think it stems from trust issues. My immediate thought when something needs to be done is “I will do it, or it won’t be done and I will deal with that outcome”, because I think the chances someone else will actually do it when asked, the way I want it done, are pretty low.
Makes you a rock star at work until you break under that expectation you set. Makes for weird relationship dynamics when you help all the time and never ask/expect that it will be reciprocated. It’s just not a great position for fostering healthy interpersonal dynamics in general. I’d argue that it might also sap energy from working towards some things you want done, and are unhappy, deep down, are left undone.
I think there’s even a name for it - helper syndrome or something. It’s a weird “It actually works pretty well, until it doesn’t” position.
Oh hey you’re me? I am working on this with my therapist right now and we’ve been thinking it’s a trauma response from a mix of my mother being a leech, being constantly abandoned as a kid, and the subsequent need for control with a dozen or two little side dishes in there to flesh out the ‘I will never ask for help’ dinner.
It’s difficult for me too sometimes. I was sick so I was trying to figure out who should I ask to bring me some medicine from pharmacy or whether to not ask anyone. Maybe I could go there myself even though I was very sick or maybe I could be without medicine. Finally I asked a friend. I almost didn’t ask her because I didn’t want to bother her and I would’ve hated it if she said no.
God, where would I even begin? I hate almost everything about myself.
One big thing I cannot stand is how emotionally overreactive I am. When I get upset about something, I get so deeply and incredibly upset to the point where it doesn’t even make sense. I feel things way too incredibly deeply and I hate it.
Another is that I endlessly frustrate myself by being lonely, but at the same time never putting myself out there to try to meet new people. But I hate new people and getting to know them. I only like people that I already know well.
And to top it all off, I made the mistake of letting someone get too close to my heart only for them to leave me. It’s not even their fault because they are literally just my coworker…we weren’t even friends outside of work. But I made the mistake of liking them and getting close to them. And if I can’t even handle that with just a coworker, I don’t know how I could ever put myself out there to be vulnerable for a relationship more than that knowing that they might leave me.
My insurance changes Jan 1st and I’m going to really try to give therapy a go this time around when I get my updated insurance info. I tried months back but quit after one session after seeing the price. Honestly I wonder if I need pills or something because I am just so incredibly frustrated with life and everything and I can’t stop crying like an idiot.
Good luck on your journey! Therapy is expensive and it can take a while until you find the right therapist. But it will be worth it, trust me.
Good luck buddy! Therapy really helped me, although it might take a few tries to find a therapist you like.
ADHD. I blurt shit out. My emotions are about 6 steps ahead of the rest of my brain. Uninteresting things are death. Time is either too fast or too slow. Sitting still for long periods of time is torture
You can make a virtue out of it.
I also can’t sit still. Not even for two minutes. But I have a job at the computer. Requires sitting most of the time.
I think that I’m never going to get spinal disc problems like all the other people who sit all day long. Spinal discs need motion to stay healthy. Trouble comes from sitting motionless.
My spine stays in motion all the time and now I feel good about it.
Procrastination. Seriously, I’m meant to be in bed right now!
My inability to both talk to new people, and stop talking once I start. It’s like I have to mentally burst through a brick wall, and then can’t figure out how to stop.
I feel awkward as fuck.
It’s OK to not talk…it is also OK to talk too much
For me it’s gotta be my shaky hands. I don’t know why they’re so shaky but it makes typing hard and I have to take pictures multiple times to get one not blurry. Super frustrating!
Whats the drinking situation?
Maybe you need to lay off the pancakes. Too much sugar!
I had a coworker who had this. She is young, in her 30s, and she had (and still has, but I don’t see her anymore) what’s called an essential tremor. It’s totally benign and harmless with no known cause, but it’s mostly seen in old people. Young people can definitely have it, but it just seems to be significantly less common.
It was never super obvious that she had it as hers was pretty mild. But if you watched her work closely, you would notice it. Or when she would try to show me something under the microscope, I would notice because she couldn’t keep the slide still and everything would be wiggling.
She was absolutely more than capable of doing her job with it though. It just made it seem like she had a bit too much coffee lol. Maybe there might be people out there with a tremor that have tips for some of the tasks that frustrate you like picture taking.
Small talk. Not sure why but it’s incredibly difficult for me to initiate a small talk or make it flow nicely from one topic to another. It’s a reason i find myself resisting the idea of dating or simply went out to socialise, or even talk to my neighbours. The anxiety always there.
I was at the dentist office around Halloween, and there was an old lady in the waiting room with me. She was a small talker and I learned something from this exchange.
“Oh, don’t their decorations look cute!”
“Yes, I love Halloween!”
“Oh, yes, all the kids in their cute costumes. Do you have children?”
"Yes but they are older now, youngest in high school "
It was like she had practiced for a long time, wasn’t like she was intrusive or pushy, just light conversation, and it is a SKILL not a talent. You can do it. Look around and comment on something. Practice. ETA: you don’t have kids so the dance move would be “No, do you have kids or grandkids?” It can keep going without you sharing, it’s sort of a game I think.
Also find people who don’t need the silence filled, people who like to just sit with you and not talk, not everyone needs that small talk - I think it’s fun but don’t need it, am comfortable with silence too. Just remember it’s a skill you can learn, like cooking. You can even learn to enjoy it if you don’t feel like it’s mandatory.
I know at least two times when I was definitely hallucinating in my adult life, which makes me uncertain how many other times I was hallucinating that I don’t know about.
Sure your memory of events wasn’t scrambled? That’s common with our brains. Seeing Yoda sitting on the TV is a different deal.
When I did meth 20-years ago, I had a banger after 3-days. Sat on the phone with my mom, soberly discussing what was happening at my apartment, no idea it wasn’t real. People were walking in and out, chatting with me.
We talking that kinda hallucination? A whole story that played out? Or you just see something for a flash, something that couldn’t be real?
The first one was a “what I’m seeing can’t be real, trucks don’t grow lips” and then having to look back on a weird few days and wonder how much of it happened as it appeared.
The more recent one could be a scrambled memory thing, I suppose. It was very “Mandela Effect”, the world was one way for a long time and then suddenly it wasnt. I rode past this mural every day on my commute, some basketballer shilling cognac, and the ad read “Never let them see your next move”. Then, one day and forever after, it read “Make moves that make movements.” There was one specific day I noticed it was different than I remembered, very unsettling.
In effect, if one was a true hallucination (stress, fatigue, now-discontinued energy drink) and the other was an overwritten memory, the result is the same: I can’t trust my own brain and the inputs it gives me.
Were you really sleep deprived, by chance? Because it’s actually not overly unusual in that case. Sleep deprivation wreak havoc on the body and brain.
I can be insufferably insistent at times. If someone says they’ll do X with me, or for me, I will pester them until they do, “playfully” jabbing at them the longer they don’t do whatever they said.
The longer I know someone/the closer they are with me, the harder time I have acting like myself around them. It gives me anxiety trying to just act like a normal person, I’m suddenly monotone and so muted people can’t hear me.
My family, most longest/closest friends…it’s like they actually don’t know who I am. And my parents are getting older and I can’t act remotely happy or even awake around them. Been this way my whole life.
Very high libido.
Unless you are using it like an addiction, you just need a good match. This will be an asset to the right partner. Good luck to you.
Thanks. This is the mother of my two children and the woman I intend to be with for the rest of my life. We have a very open conversation about it and are working on it. Currently on the same page and on the right track. 😊
Thanks for your words! ❤️
PS: not an addiction, thankfully!
Good, that is good. If your kids are small, it may keep getting better - I run pretty hot, once a day lady at least and nursing kids knocked my libido down below zero. It was unsettling. The combination of stress and hormones (and coming after the high of pregnancy sex drive) was so depressing, sex was scary and uncomfortable just awful time. It does pass but feels like it won’t.
Sorry probably TMI but if you can stay connected and especially if this is a change she has gone through it will come around. Little kids are such an enormous stressful job but they do grow.
No no, not TMI. Thank you for sharing, every bit of info that helps us understand the situation is helpful.
Stress is definitely a big factor in our case. Lots of stressful circumstances. But intimacy for me is a stress reliever, whereas it seems like the opposite to her. So that’s been a big issue for a while.
I’ve lurked a lot in r/deadbedrooms in the past year. A lot of advice there can sometimes make you lose hope. “Just leave him/her. You’re not compatible.” I’ve not posted there myself, and probably for the best. But it has been somewhat insightful.
It has come to a head for me a few times in the past year, where I’ve broken down and told her intimacy has to escalate soon. We need to do something here. I need to know what she wants and she needs to know what I want so we can rebuild and increase the intimacy frequency and quality.
So we have sort of a plan now and it’s working pretty well so far. Wheels are turning. I just hope we can stay the course.
Good. I guess I should say there are actually two conditions under which my sex drive has failed completely, the other time was when I was working 4 jobs, and sex began to feel like just one more thing I had to do, instead of a source of relief. You guys don’t have a fundamental mismatch, right? r/deadbedrooms is sort of a cesspool.
They are right that you cannot reconcile a once a week person with a twice a day person though - someone is going to be unsatisfied in that situation. So unhappy it wrecks their life? Maybe not, I made 20 years with a once a week guy, was frustrated but that wasn’t really what broke us. Could have gone on like that, without it being a huge issue, I have hands and that’s still regular connection, understand? If everything else was good it was plenty good enough. But for sure it’s much less of an issue with my husband, as we wake up and do it every day before starting our day, to make sure we get off at least once with each other. Like, maybe I run slightly hotter than him but it’s close, very close.
Late, long reply…
I was working 4 jobs, and sex began to feel like just one more thing I had to do, instead of a source of relief.
4 jobs, holy… Yeah, I think that’s exactly what had happened to us/her. She has even said so, that it feels like one more thing that needs doing. Also she has a history of burning out once or twice, so things are easily triggered as stress, unfortunately.
You guys don’t have a fundamental mismatch, right? r/deadbedrooms is sort of a cesspool.
I honestly don’t know. I don’t think so, from what she tells me. Depends on what you mean I guess, but in my mind we are meant for each other, and we have told each other we want to be with each other for the rest of our lives. We are engaged, two kids.
Sounds to me like you are living the relationship dream, being with someone that is such a great libido match, whether low or high.
Update on our situation: in my mind we had a big setback. She said there’s a lot right now. Our original plan was too stressful, and it just felt like implicit nagging rather than explicit, but still stressful.
I agreed to one month of not even mentioning sex at all. She felt very relaxed during that month, and she seemed much happier.
Now more than a week after that month, and I finally suggested we could maybe do something saucy. Nope. Too tired, early morning for work, etc… Same excuses as always.
I’m not too hopeful anymore. Feel like I’m back to square one. I don’t want to start up our sex life again in 15 years when our kids are adults… While we’re young, and whatnot. 😑
The crippling depression that’s completely stopped me from functioning in any meaningful way. That’s definitely the big one.
