I (guy) considered myself straight most of my life. Didn’t even think about it. A couple years ago I had some sexual going ons with a dude and enjoyed it, I would happily engage in such things again. This continued for a while. People being attractive is the hook on the end of the line, but having an attractive personality and deeply caring for one another is what I really want. I guess that makes me bisexual. Not that anyone but two of my friends know.
Now I’ve moved and am longing for someone to hold me. I would’ve (probably fruitlessly) gone for women before (and still have interest in them) but I have a concern of anyone taking me the wrong way. I imagine women have some degree of caution when being approached by guys. A minority of guys may approach women with the intent of having sex with them and I’m sure that concern is in the back of their head when a guy they don’t know well is talking to them. I’m concerned about inappropriately coming off this way so that plus a lack of past successes has made me give up hope on that front. Conversely, I feel ‘I’ve got this’ about approaching guys I find attractive. It’s something new to me. (When it comes to expressing romantic interest, though, I’ll probably find the shy part of myself taking over lol.)
Anyways, ramble over. What should I do? Any words of advice? I’m not special, this can’t be a unique situation. Thanks for reading.
Go for whoever you want. Don’t let a fear of another’s fear hold you back.
Say what you want. You’re looking for someone to hold you.
That sounds great, but I imagine saying that being quite awkward.
If a person dislikes you for saying that, they’re not for you.
Your problem is, as far as I am concerned, rather common among bi men who have experience with other men but not with women.
It is kind of uncomfortable when you have recently met a woman (that you might be interested in romantically) and you mention being queer in some implicit context (assuming that your bi-ness isn’t deterministically clear) but you don’t want them to think that you are only interested in other men, because you can imagine having a romantic relationship with them, but perhaps it’s too early to mention that. “I am also interested in women” really screams “I can have sex with you, too”. Bi erasure (especially erasure of bi men) makes it more difficult to approach women (especially non-queer women), because these tend to write you off as a gay man, and as stated above, going for a head-on approach would appear as desperate or simply creepy. The solution is, as dumb as it sounds: Be clear about being bi and look for women who are also queer and/or understand & accept your bi-ness. If you have to mention that you “are also interested in women” after mentioning that you are bi, or if a person simply ignores your attraction for women because you have had a relationship with a man before, that person is very likely not a good partner for you as they will have a hard time processing an integral part of you: Your bisexuality.
Sounds like that’s something worth making known after knowing someone for a while
Dating apps are an easy way to meet people, I don’t recommend tinder unless you absolutely have to, bumble is a good one, and there are a few others. And don’t worry so much, just put yourself out there. If you can tell someone is comfortable, just leave them alone, maybe give them a “ok sorry to bother you have a good day/evening” or something. Just be yourself and someone who’s a good fit for you won’t be offput.
Dating apps are the way to go here, my bi brother. Plenty of accepting women and men out there. Some even find it attractive.
For what it’s worth, are you romantically attracted to both genders do you think? Or just sexually? Not everyone feels the same.
I don’t know if I’m just being dyslexic, but I don’t feel like I get the core of your problem. Is it that you’re torn between trying to date/hook up with guys (which feels easier but is new?) vs gals (but you’re worried that women will find your advances unwanted?)?
If I’m understanding you right, then I’ve felt the same way. I’ve actually ended up in a long-term relationship with guy, which isn’t something I’d ever imagined, just because I went through a period of time where I was very stressed and busy and didn’t have time to date girls in the way I’d been used to, but hooking up with guys (via apps) was super easy and stress free. Just happened to meet a guy that I really hit it off with and now we’ve been together a long while.
Anyway, if you’re worried about guy stuff being new, don’t be! People are people, and in the end every man and women is pretty unique, so what seems like a really different thing (dating a different gender from usual) turns out to just be more variety. If you’re worried about women not wanting to be approached, I think if you do it nicely, in a relaxed and friendly manner and take a hint if they’re not interested then it’s okay!
And if you’re worried that you somehow need to choose, you don’t! That one of many joys of being bi, is you can be interested in anyone who tickles your fancy!
Something that I wouldn’t recommend (because I used to do it a lot) is trying to put girls at their ease by dropping hints that I’m bi/queer/interested in guys too. I thought it would help by making me seem less threatening, but only latter found out that depressing number of straight girls have a lot of (subconscious?) biphobia, and assume that if a guy is bi then he’s actually just gay and in denial (or worse, is some sort of std ridden slut).
Not your fault, I didn’t make a good title. You’re on the nose. I just need to be nice, friendly, relaxed like you said. I suppose I’m asking a group of bisexuals a general question hoping for something that’ll be especially resonant with me. I guess there’s also a balancing act of being subtle but letting that part of myself slow when talking to dudes.
considered myself straight most of my life
I don’t have advice but I relate to you here. I’m also a man and have only come to terms with my bisexuality in the last 3 years or so, but I’m probably older than you. I wonder what the future will hold for me. I’m married so that complicates things, and most of my friends think of me as straight, along with all of my family. I wouldn’t mind them knowing at this point but I just haven’t had a reason to tell them. It would cause some of them stress and I’d just rather not if I don’t have to.
longing for someone to hold me
Here I relate to the specifics of your need/desire but not that desire exactly. I do like being held. To my wife’s credit I feel mostly satisfied there. I feel a strong need to be desired though, suddenly along with all of this, and I feel dissatisfied there. I want to be wanted badly (sexually). An experience with a gay man that never turned sexual at all is at the start of that, for me, just a year or so ago.
I agree with others here that we are all pretty unique, and I extend that to everyone, everywhere. Good for you for working to understand yourself better.
Thanks. The better we understand ourselves, the more we can improve.
I strongly agree
