Update: Thanks to a few of y’all who got me to look at things differently I think there was a miscommunication. I called my mom, and sorta cleared things up, they said they thought that my message out to them was saying I was planning on celebrating trans day of visibility, and not just mentioning it off hand after accepting the invite. I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say I am not fully convinced but I love them enough to forgive. Things have been rocky with them, my dad is teetering on the edge of ultra-conservative and still misgenders and dead-names me. In my mind there was a very real possibility my dad told my mom to dis-invite us after knowing it was a trans day.
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Kinda posting to just vent, family instantly cancelled when I just mentioned it was a trans awareness day.
Crazy thing is they know me, they know we’re not religious, they know that all we’d like to do is just see family (most importantly the two doggos.) And now I’m not going to be getting to do that and I just feel pretty hurt after this. I’ve sent some messages back and forth and they’ve re-invited us, but without a clear explanation or sincere apology, my partner doesn’t feel comfortable around them now. I agree with her, so we won’t be going.
This is the first overtly discriminatory thing I have experienced from them, and it is just so strange this is what hill they decided to claim.
I hate being a social war politic pawn, any other situation, birthday falling on the same day, solar event, or an “acceptable” awareness day, would have been met with open arms. They’ve just treated us as degenerates.
I wasn’t expecting or wanting anything, other than perhaps a minor acknowledgement, just getting cancelled on is bizarre and I can only see it as hateful or at least extremely overly defensive over my perceived motives?
Well idk after this I feel like on march 31st it would have been really fun if I spent the day misgendering them so they could experience a taste of some of the experiences I have. But I’m still just hurt, I would have loved to get a hug from my mom and sis and pet the dogs.
Hopefully this follows the rule and venting is ok, this is my first post here and I would have rather it be something more lighthearted but I just want support and validation after this.
Then do not bring other things up? Focus on that?
Well it is called the trans day of ignoring trans people after all, oh wait, it’s the trans day of visibility. I don’t think just mentioning it’s an awareness day is that big of a deal, would it also be a bad thing if a solar eclipse or something was happening on that day and I mentioned that? Unless there was a misunderstanding between us, the only possible explanation is social war bull.
Family involves interpersonal relationships, conversations, and discussions of importance to each other. You are missing the point of family if you think I have to put up and shut up. Chosen families exist because of the fact there are families where shutting up is the rule.
You do not bring up 500 others things that day stands for, but instead specifically that one topic. That is a clear message, amplified by the fact that it is Easter and not a random time of the year. I have no problem with that, don’t get me wrong, but I would assume that you do that on purpose and as such could understand negative reactions to such a statement, especially if there have been previous cases like that. That has (for me) nothing to do with whatever you bring up, just the fact that you bring XYZ up itself would already be mildly annoying to me. My uncle brought up some bullshit on the wedding of my brother and it annoyed everyone. It was simply not the right time and place.
Hey, hi, did you know that Easter moves it’s bloody date every year and TDOV doesn’t? So while no, it’s not at a random time of the year, trans people didn’t exactly choose to plop TDOV right in there just to be edgy.
look, maybe it was a little autistic of me to bring up that it was an important day to me too, given that I don’t explicitly celebrate easter and I was invited to a simple close family gathering of just my parents, siblings (well, sister, my brother disowned them and moved a thousand miles away) and I. It’s just us 5 as family up here. I’m tired and I’m just going to say I disagree with you on this for at least this circumstance.
I do know when to make the day special, I did go to my brothers wedding 2 years ago and made it all about him and his wife, I even gave a moving speech. I’ve gone to christmas and simply enjoyed the day and gave presents without mentioning I am a pagan and it’s “ackshually a pagan solstice holiday.”
On this instance I was just intending to highlight that day also ended up being an awareness day, for something directly tied to my identity, and that was as far as I ever intended for it to go.
When previously talking about your identity, how did they react?
Primarily awkwardly, and reluctantly accepting. I’ve been out since then, my name is legally changed and I pass to other people. They are working on accepting it, and they accept my trans partner as well, but they have an image of me of the past they have to set aside and I get that.
It was absolutely a normal thing to mention trans visibility day and you deserve to be seen by family too! I don’t think the person you’re replying to has much experience in being trans and navigating family so don’t take their response too seriously.
What do you mean, do not take it serious? If you just want to spend time with someone, do not bring up topics they do not like for no reason. Simple concept, regardless of the topic.
Yeah that’s an extreme oversimplification. For some trans people it’s not an option to ‘not bring up their transness’ because it’s about their identity and spending any time with someone who refuse to recognise that can be very a very dysphoric experience. Also in this case it’s about op’s parents. Is it really that hard to understand that op might want their own parents to recognise their identity?
Giving someone advice on a topic you are ignorant about can be harmful, so maybe don’t do that.
So you know about my experiences…? The hypocrisy.